Pensive thoughts of tonight

I haven't posted in a while. My mind has been drawing a blank since school began but i feel like I'm more productive. Then I thought tonight, is that worth it? Is being physically productive worth it if your not doing it for any reason? I feel as if I'm working merely to satisfy those demanding it from me. There's no self gain involved for me, I wasn't doing it with God in mind, I'm not learning anything. Was the work of my hands for any real definable reason? In my heart right now, I'd say no. Its kinda like I'm just on this journey for the ride right now. I'm watching things fly by but there's no spirit for me. I'm not feeling satisfied with whats happening.

I'd rather work without the gain of knowledge right now. School is so cleche'd to me. I would just rather do physical labor and not bother with anything.

I'm also strangely content with a lack of relationship. I haven't felt the want of a girlfriend at all lately and I know right now my heart isn't really filled with God in place of that. I'm very confused. I'm not lonely like I have been lately. Now that I think about it, I've been feeling a void of any emotion since school began. Perhaps this is connected to my emotional crazyness. Maybe I've lost any emotions I might have had as sort of a drain of emotional stress. I really have no clue. I'm just confused. Any prayer would be appreciated.

-T-Klop-



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Sleepless and thoughtful

I cannot sleep tonight. So far at least. Right now your like "Ok thats fine. Happens all the time." Well, the difference about tonight is the significance of tomarrow. The first day of school. I've been DREADING tonight. Absolutely dreading it. I'm always like this the night before school. I try to milk what I've got left and keep the day going. So, I'm hyper when I'm supposed to be going to sleep. Paired up with THAT, I'm also experiencing massive anxiety. I don't know if this is fearful anxiousness or excitement, but the fact remains that it keeps me from my sleep!

The dumb thing about this is that I always expect it to be a lot worse than it really is. I KNOW I do that but yet something inside me doesn't want to let go of the feeling of self pity I suppose. How selfish is that?! lol. Right now blogging about it is the only thing I could think to do. Seeing my thoughts fly by on a screen really gives me the feeling of self-awareness I've so been longing lately.

Now, down to some other thoughts on the brain. If you've been keeping track of the past 2 posts, I'm suffering from a severe case of not knowing myself. By this I mean emotions. Sad I know. However, tonight I did some thinking during my prayer session with God and began realizing that, the problem of emotional mix-up isn't the base problem. What resides at the core of my issues is my heart. I haven't been doing the things I should really be doing to help myself in this situation. I should've been asking God for help the whole time! When me and my youth pastor Alan had lunch the other day, he asked me how often I'd been spending with God and how often I've been reading my Bible. I hadn't really thought about THAT. I sheepishly responded "no." AHA! now we're getting somewhere! How am I supposed to expect God to help me if I don't ask for his help or go looking for it in the word? I was just expecting it to get better by itself! How stupid am I?! Right now you're sarcastically responding to yourself with something immature and hilarious. Am I right? lol Well, I'm slowly on the road to recovery I'm hoping and I'll update my status on the situation. If all you reading this would kindly pray for me and keep me in your thoughts, I'd highly appreciate it. Thank You so much and God Bless!

-T-Klop-



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Transition

Today....what can I say about today. It started good, got better, and then finally....got worse.

It began with lunch at taco bell with Alan. That was great. I really needed to vent to someone face to face about my emotional problems and furthermore to dream about the future. It was great. A total encourager. Great great great.

Then afterwards, I ALMOST headed to play metroid prime 3 for the rest of the day. But, my conscience got the best of me right before I turned it on. thank goodness. lol Well, to continue, instead of doing that, I recessed to my room where I proceeded to attempt at learning the bass clef for my bass guitar and for jazz band. I tryed with no avail. I then told my mom I thought it was to difficult and that guitarists of any kind should only have to learn how to read tabs. lol oh ye of little faith. haha. Well, my wonderful mother offered to give me a hand, which helped MONSTEROUSLY. I have most of it memorized now and that was great to get done. But sadly, my dreams of a absolutely great day were shattered when I was informed I do not go back to school on friday but that I go back on THURSDAY! I was pissed! My my my. how my emotions can get carried away with themselves. Im just praying that God will give me peace with that or control over them. either one will do but yeah. What a random blog entry. lol

-T-Klop


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Todays Recap

My my my. what a day. This truly was a day of much growth, and it humbled aswell.

It started with church. Namely, the 9 o'clock service at vanguard church. Today made me feel very small and confused for sure. I didn't feel like I could adequately worship. I've gathered that with my emotions all wacky lately I'm just ultra cautious about the whole thing. Its been really hard for me to worship because I'm afraid that any emotions displayed during the time wont even be true. All this emotional imbalance is throwing me a loop. I cant even tell whats true and whats not. Its really REALLY hard for me. This is what humbled me today. Its humbling imagining that God has the power to make it so that we dont even know whats going on with ourselves. Now thats power! Its crazy. That power itself is what humbles. My fear of God has grown for sure but in a healthy way. Its a respectful fear. I guess all this thought and realization is what the growth part was. lol. I grew so that I actually have to depend 100% on God to let me realize what my emotions are because I can't do it myself. I also feel like Im doing better at processing thoughts purely because of seeing it in my writing. What a blessing computers truly are. lol.

With this, I bid my readers a fond farewell for tonight. May God give you all the grace to recognize your own blessings and thoughts.

-T-Klop-


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Mood Rings

So, it turns out, I do my best thinking at like, two in the morning lol. Which almost sucks cause i'm starting school soon and wont be able to stay up so late. But I'll figure something out. But, to my post.

I've found out as of late that I'm kind of a "emotional" person. Almost bipolar in my opinion. I can almost completely deny company and companionship one minute and then long for the friends I've cast away. Its like Relient-K said, emotional people should all wear mood rings. Although, it wouldn't be just for the people I'm around to know how I'm feeling, it would be for myself aswell. Honestly, I'm so pathetic sometimes. I don't even know my own emotions for goodness sakes! I don't know what to do with myself sometimes. I was at a conference that focus on the family does for teens every year called the big dig. It focuses on apologetics. Well, to get to my point, I felt totally focused and ontop of my game DURING the conference. but then I went home and almost felt depressed. The worst part is that I dont even know why. I know that a good solution is prayer. I'm just SO BAD at remembering to pray. Its pathetic. lol.

I know that God knows why I act the way I do. But it seems that he doesn't want me in on the secret. It doesn't seem fair. Perhaps its God's way of showing that I'm not in control. I dont know. It could be that I'm putting to much on my plate between church and school prep. and trying to be a great friend all at the same time. I just dont know. What kills me more is that I seem to fail at the friendship part everyday. I'm such a bad friend sometimes. It seems like too much.

Imagine a large lense on a pair of gigantic glasses made out of a giant dinner plate. Each of those things seem like a Coarse of a dinner on the plate making it harder and harder to focus on the big picture. Its so hard for me to do God's work with the correct heart with all of these things piling up. I wish I could push all the things into my napkin and feed it to the dog. All I really want is to please the Lord. But to do that I need to do all these thing with the correct frame of mind. Oh wow. thats so much of a burdon AND(theres an and people!) a gift. All I really need to focus on through all of this is that God makes these things easy if I keep the correct frame of mind. I dont even need to worry about doing well in all these things. As long as I make sure I'm doing God's work, the rest will come naturally! Its such a fantastic system! I WILL do good if I make sure God is glorified! So I close with this, If I keep God's glory as my number one priority, I will do well no matter what the circumstances. Thank you God for this knowledge!

-T-Klop-

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God's Love and Grace Displayed in Our Labor

WELL.... I am not quite sure why I started this blog. I guess its for those of you who find me mildly interesting. What a strange thought. Isn't it absolutely fascinating that we as humans are so conceited and obsessive that we find our OWN race interesting? lol I think its God showing us how self centered we are. we really are interesting when it comes down to it though. I mean, we have natures that are drawn to sin but we deny ourselves our pleasures and the feeling of satisfying ourselves for ourselves to feel satisfied? that almost doesn't make sense if you look it so black and whitely. The one variable that hasn't yet been inserted into the position of x in this equation is God and what he can he do for us. Instead of falling victim to the lies of self gratification, God gives us the grace to serve him and find true happiness by his works. This by no means means that I believe in good works sealing our fate in heaven. They are not the ticket in, but merely the result or fruit of our love for God. After we begin to love God, we also begin to love serving Him and doing his labors.

What love! I cant think of anyone as good and wonderful as God when I think of this! I mean, what other "employer" of sorts actually wants to make sure his "employees" are happy doing what they're doing? Its absolutely incredible! I suppose thats why I find such joy in serving Him. Its remarkable what a great God I have the honor to serve. And with that, I end this post.

-T-Klop-

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